


we could call it even

by scorpiohs



Series: inspired by taylor swift [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: (Or is it?), AU Bucky and Steve are the same age, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Awkwardness, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Blowjobs, Bottom Steve Rogers, Christmas, Coming Out, Exes to Lovers, First Kiss, First Time, Flashbacks, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Gay Bucky Barnes, Getting Together, Ice Skating, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Post-Coital Cuddling, Smut, They are over 18 in this whole fic, Top Bucky Barnes, Unrequited Love, brief mention of past Steve/Peggy, handjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:48:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28221933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiohs/pseuds/scorpiohs
Summary: Steve knows he can’t avoid Bucky forever. Even if it wasn’t a small apartment building already, where he’s run into people he’s trying not to see plenty of times before, there’s no way Winifred Barnes is gonna go a holiday season without inviting Sarah and Steve over for dinner. Last year, they got out of it because Sarah had an emergency shift at the hospital. The year before, Bucky’s flight had been delayed because of a blizzard, and he hadn’t made it home in time for the meal. Steve had a great time catching up with his sister, Becca, though.So, as Steve is painfully aware, it’s been almost two and a half years since he’s really seen Bucky Barnes. The two of them just never texted to make plans like they said they would, and then never ran into each other. Which in hindsight, Steve supposes isn’t surprising, given everything that happened between them.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: inspired by taylor swift [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2072532
Comments: 17
Kudos: 136





	we could call it even

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by "'tis the damn season" by taylor swift

Steve knows he can’t avoid Bucky forever. Even if it wasn’t a small apartment building already, where he’s run into people he’s trying not to see plenty of times before, there’s no way Winifred Barnes is gonna go a holiday season without inviting Sarah and Steve over for dinner. Last year, they got out of it because Sarah had an emergency shift at the hospital. The year before, Bucky’s flight had been delayed because of a blizzard, and he hadn’t made it home in time for the meal. Steve had a great time catching up with his sister, Becca, though.

So, as Steve is painfully aware, it’s been almost two and a half years since he’s really seen Bucky Barnes. The two of them just never texted to make plans like they said they would, and then never ran into each other. Which in hindsight, Steve supposes isn’t surprising, given everything that happened between them. 

Steve’s seen Bucky out of the corner of his eye, sure, across aisles at the supermarket, crossing the street, stepping into the elevator as it closes. He’s always torn between hiding and running to him.

It’s been too long now, since that summer before college, for things to go back to the way they were. But Steve knows he’s gonna have to deal with it soon, anyways. It’s just a matter of time.

The invitation comes two days after Steve gets home. Winnie calls up the Rogers residence (Steve is luckily in the shower when the phone rings- he finds it painfully awkward to reminisce about the ‘good old days’ with Bucky’s mom) and insists that they come over for dinner next Tuesday. Sarah says yes, of course, even though she likely has dinner with the Barnes’ all the time while their kids are off at school. She’s just excited to ‘get the boys back together.’

“Shame you haven’t seen Bucky much recently,” she notes when Steve emerges from his room, running a hand through his wet hair.

Sarah doesn’t know that he hasn’t seen Bucky much since high school. He wasn’t gonna tell his mom everything that went down, so he may have fibbed a few times about still being in touch with Bucky at the beginning, thinking it would be easier for her to think they’d just drifted apart.

“Not really that close anymore,” Steve mumbles, stalking into the kitchen.

“You two are best friends,” she chides, following him. “A little college isn’t gonna change that.”

Steve just shrugs and grabs a bowl from the cabinet. He goes through the motions of making cereal, but his mind’s somewhere else. In Bucky’s bedroom at dawn, striped blue and red bed sheets. He wonders if Bucky still has them, or if his room looks different now. 

Steve knows _Bucky_ looks different. He’s grown his hair out a little, filled into his body a little bit more, has a bit of a stubble. He looks good. He always has, to Steve.

But it’s not gonna do any good to think about it, so Steve tries to distract himself for a few days. Painting, hanging out with his mom, finishing up his Christmas shopping, texting his friends from college. He hardly thinks about Bucky and his gorgeous eyes and soft lips and-

Before he knows it, he and his mom are riding up in the elevator of their apartment building, heading to dinner with the Barnes’. 

Once they’re standing in front of the door, Steve tugs the hem of his shirt and drums his fingers against his leg. Before he can worry about how stressed he probably looks, the door swings open and Winnie is pulling him and Sarah into a hug.

The two women launch into a series of pleasantries, but all Steve can do is smile and occasionally nod along. Winnie leads them to into the apartment and takes their coats (Steve did not see the point in wearing them in the first place- they weren’t going out into the cold, but Sarah had insisted.)

He probably looks aloof and disengaged, but really, Steve is on high alert; Bucky could be around any corner. He sees George in the kitchen, but seemingly no Bucky or Becca around. Winnie ushers him and Sarah into the living room, sits them down, and offers them drinks.

“Wine, Steve?” she asks, already pouring a glass for Sarah.

“Still a few months from twenty-one, ma’am,” Steve says politely.

“James, too,” she replies. “Just testing you.” She winks.

“She’s pulled that one on me, too,” says a voice behind Steve.

Steve jerks his head around and Bucky is in the doorway, leaning against the frame. _Shit, he looks even better in person_ , Steve thinks.

He’s just wearing a t-shirt and jeans, his hair long and pushed back. His hands are in his pockets, and he looks way calmer than Steve feels, fully seeing him again after all these years.

“Hi,” Steve squeaks because it’s all he can do. The last time he saw Bucky, the last time Bucky saw him, it was… well, Steve is doing everything he can to not think of it.

“Hi,” Bucky echos, meeting his eyes.

Without thinking, Steve stands up from the couch, momentarily forgetting that he and Bucky aren’t the only ones in the room.

“What a gentleman,” Becca teases, appearing behind Bucky and walking to Steve for a hug.

“Hey, Becca,” he says, pulling her in and avoiding Bucky’s gaze over her shoulder.

“How’ve you been?” she asks, sitting down on the couch and gesturing for Steve to join her.

Steve is able to manage a conversation about school with Becca and their moms, while Bucky stays in the doorway and chimes in every once in a while. Steve’s having trouble concentrating with Bucky looking like _that_. His face hasn’t changed, and neither has his smile, and all Steve wants to do is stare at him.

For a short while in his life, he was allowed to do that. He didn’t have to look away when Bucky caught him staring like he had done for so many years. He could just keep staring, and smile and Bucky would smile back. Bucky smiled back. He remembers that.

They haven’t been in the living room long before George pops in and announces that dinner’s ready, so they all shuffle to the dining room and Steve stays back a second so Bucky’s ahead of him, so they don’t have to walk near each other. _Jesus, get it together_ , Steve tells himself.

He sits down next to his mom and ends up across from Bucky. He makes eye contact with him for a second and feels his face flush as he looks away. 

George and Winifred bring out the food and it’s delicious, as usual. Bucky’s parents love to cook, and Steve’s never been disappointed by their recipes. The conversation is pleasant, going from football to politics to Becca’s first year at college. Nothing’s changed, Bucky adding witty commentary here and there, Steve trying to contain his laughter. It’s nice, having this back.

After dinner, the parents settle into the living room and are still drinking and talking. Becca’s headed out to meet some friends, and Bucky and Steve are standing on opposite sides of the room, lingering awkwardly and periodically checking their phones.

Then Bucky catches his eye and asks, “Hey, you wanna get out of here?” cocking his head to the door.

“Sure,” Steve says, melting into his relief.

Bucky grabs their coats off the hook and tosses Steve his. Bucky yells back to his parents that they’re going for a walk and will be back soon, then opens the door for Steve.

They walk wordlessly to the elevator and both reach for the button. Their hands brush and suddenly Steve’s all flustered, and murmuring, “I got it,” before punching the button and stepping back.

“What a gentleman,” Bucky says, mocking both him and Becca. 

Steve just blushes and tries to play along. “And they say chivalry’s dead.”

“Not on your watch,” Bucky replies, nudging Steve’s arm.

Oddly, that gesture does it, that small touch. This is _Bucky_ , his best friend since they were kids. No matter what happened or happens, he can trust Bucky. He doesn’t need to be nervous around him.

They ride in the elevator facing each other, just kind of looking around, not knowing what to say. They got through all the small talk upstairs. Bucky talked about mechanical engineering, Steve talked about art and history (but not art history, he clarified, because he hated that class.) 

Now is when friends would usually catch up on the other stuff: dates, parties, shenanigans. But Steve doesn’t really know how to ask that stuff, given everything.

They step out of the lobby of their building and are attacked by a blast of cold wind immediately. Steve shivers but Bucky just chuckles, turns to him, and says, “Hot chocolate?”

Steve grins and nods, so they walk to the diner across the street, one of those simple local places that stay open not because they’re spectacular but because they're convenient. Steve can’t count all the many mediocre coffees he’s gotten from this place, and Bucky could probably say the same.

When they walk in, they just walk over to the second booth on the right, their usual, without really thinking about it. Steve smiles at himself that there’s still a part of them that connects in this way if nothing else.

Once they’ve ordered, Bucky leans forward and says, “So.”

“Yes?” Steve asks, knowing full well what Bucky is trying to address.

“Should we just talk about it?”

A knot forms in Steve’s stomach. Talking about it is all he’s wanted to do since it happened, but now, it feels so far away. _They_ feel far away, removed, and he doesn’t want to talk about it clinically. He was heartbroken after, for godsake.

“Sure,” he says, anyway, because he can’t say no. He can’t say no and mean it, at least.

“I don’t want things to be weird with us, you know? I mean, we’re best friends, and I miss you.” Bucky looks at him softly and Steve wants to cry.

“I miss you, too, Buck,” he responds, leaning forward. 

Bucky smiles, then continues. “I just think we didn’t know how to deal with it, and we let it mess us up. Can we just be friends again?”

Steve’s heart breaks a little at that because he wants more. He’s pretty much always wanted more with Bucky. But friendship is a big step up from this poorly navigated neighbor family acquaintance thing they have going on. “Yeah, sounds good.”

They get their hot chocolate (and cheese fries) and fall right back into where they were. Or, well, not exactly where they were, but close enough. Bucky teases Steve about everything, like going to school in Massachusetts, and trying to grow a beard. Steve lets Bucky make him laugh because he does it like no one else in the world can.

They eventually head back to their building, and Bucky walks Steve to his door.

“Wanna hang out again tomorrow?” Bucky asks, leaning against the wall of the hallway.

“Yeah,” Steve says, joy filling up in his chest. “Yeah, I’ll text you.”

Bucky nods and ducks his head, smiling. Steve slips into his apartment and can’t keep his own smile from his face. He kicks off his shoes and heads into his room, texting his mom that he’s home and going to bed.

He sheds his pants and socks, then gets into bed and wow, he’s _still_ smiling. Bucky does have that effect on him. He remembers- well, he shouldn’t think about it, but he can’t help it- he remembers what it was like just before everything went wrong.

It was August two years ago, a few weeks before they were going off to college for freshman year. The two of them had been having a great summer, hanging out when they weren’t working, enjoying their last months together. Steve had been so fucking in love with Bucky that his body ached with it. Bucky’s smile was sunshine and nighttime all at once. His laugh sent Steve spinning, in good _and_ bad ways. And to top it all off, they were gonna have to leave each other soon.

One day, they were on the roof of their building (which they weren’t supposed to know how to get to, but the landlord’s daughter was really cool and showed them when she was in town one time.) They were laying down on picnic blankets, which really didn’t help the cement ground feel any less hard, but they could pretend.

“Do you think we’re gonna forget each other?” Bucky asked, out of the blue.

Steve propped himself up to his elbows. “No way.”

“You’re not gonna go off and find a wife and forget about your best bud?”

Steve looked over to see if Bucky was laughing, and he wasn’t. “Don’t be ridiculous,” Steve said. “First of all, you’re the one who’s good with girls.”

Bucky scoffed. “I’m gay, Steve.”

Steve sat up fully at that. “What?”

“Might as well tell ya, now that we’re leaving.”

Steve scooted closer towards Bucky. “You coulda told me any time.”

Bucky turned toward him and raised his eyebrows. “It’s not gonna make things weird? I know it’s not weird to be gay but straight guys freak out having gay best friends, right? I mean-”

“Good thing I’m not straight then,” Steve huffed.

It was Bucky’s turn to sit up. “What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I guess the same reason you didn’t tell me.”

“Huh,” Bucky said. Then he laughed. “We’re idiots.”

Steve laughed, too. “Damn right.” But part of him was still holding back the whole truth: _Buck, I actually figured out I’m not straight because I’ve spent years wanting to kiss you, haha, isn’t that funny?_

They sat in silence for a bit longer, watching the clouds go by, that one thing on Steve’s mind before he was the one to pipe up. “Have you ever kissed a guy?” he blurted out before he could stop himself.

Bucky looked over at him and his eyes flicked down to Steve’s lips. Or at least, Steve thought they did. “No,” he replied.

“Same,” Steve said. “No one else, either, but you knew that.”

Bucky cracked a smile. “Still doesn’t make sense to me.”

“What?”

The sun was beating down onto Bucky, blinding Steve a little bit but he couldn’t look away. “Anyone would be lucky to kiss you,” he said, before adding, “Even with all that lack of experience.”

“Is that an offer?” Steve dared to ask. He really wasn’t thinking. Must have been all the goddamn sunshine.

Bucky shrugged, but Steve saw the small smile playing on his lips. “I mean, if you’re that desperate.”

Steve leaned forward and whispered, “I think _you’re_ that desperate.”

“Punk,” Bucky muttered before closing the gap between them and kissing Steve.

It was soft and light but it sent sparks through Steve’s whole body. His hands flew up to cup Bucky’s cheeks and try to bring him closer. Bucky kept his kisses gentle but traced his tongue along Steve’s bottom lip. Steve nearly lost it at that and he wanted to do this forever but he pulled away and smiled. He couldn’t keep that stupid smile off of his face. 

“Any good?” he asked jokingly, but something in him knew he wanted a real answer.

“Plenty good, c’mere,” Bucky said, bringing him in again.

Bucky put his hands on Steve’s hips and maneuvered him into his lap, Steve completely willing to let himself be moved. He was straddling Bucky and couldn’t help but squirm a little bit. Bucky laughed at it a little but kept kissing him.

That afternoon was the best, just making out in the sun and breaking to breathe and laugh and smile because they couldn’t believe what they were doing.

After a while, they retreated to Steve’s apartment, where they were alone because Sarah had the night shift. They were supposed to be watching a movie but they kept getting distracted kissing each other and giggling.

Eventually, Steve had to ask, “What are we doing here?” because even though this was all he had dreamed about for years, it was a question that was eating at him.

Bucky ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “All I know is that I’ve wanted to do that for a while.”

“Me, too,” Steve said, kissing Bucky’s cheek. Then closer to his lips, until he reached them.

“Who knew you’d be such a softie?” Bucky murmured affectionately.

“You love it,” Steve replied, starting to kiss along Bucky’s jaw.

“Mm, fine, I do.”

They ordered a pizza and actually watched the movie for a bit (Steve can’t even remember which one it was now. Some action film Bucky had wanted to see.) When they were done eating, Bucky asked, “How do you feel about a sleepover?”

Steve felt his face turn red, but he couldn’t say yes fast enough. Bucky grinned and ran for Steve’s room, and flopped onto the bed. He got under the covers and when Steve walked in, he held his arms out and said, “Come here!”

Steve obliged, crawling into Bucky’s arms, nudging his head into Bucky’s chest. He felt so giddy, so warm, so untouchable. He looked up at Bucky, who was already looking down at him. He didn’t have the words to really sum up what he was feeling, and he didn’t wanna ruin the moment by going too far, so he just leaned up and kissed Bucky lightly.

It quickly turned heated, and Bucky shifted over so that he was on top of Steve. He rolled his hips into Steve and Steve let out an embarrassingly high-pitched moan. If he wasn’t hard already, he was now. They both were.

“You wanna do this?” Steve asked, looking up at Bucky, who was already panting a little.

“Yeah, I really do,” Bucky said, kissing Steve’s forehead. “You?”

“I really do, too,” Steve replied, already tugging at the hem of Bucky’s shirt.

Bucky helped him take it off, then tried to wrangle Steve’s off of him, too. They each shucked off their own pants and all their clothes ended up on a pile on the floor. 

Already reeling from not touching Bucky those few seconds, Steve pulled him back in as soon as they were just in their underwear.

“Fuck, you’re so hot,” Bucky grunted, starting to grind against Steve.

The comment, and the movements, went straight to Steve’s groin, and all he could do was say was, “ _You’re_ so hot,” and try not to move his hips faster than Bucky was.

They kept kissing and thrusting against each other, steadily getting faster until they were both on the edge.

Steve didn’t want the moment to end, but he was quickly losing control to stop it. “Buck- Buck, can I- I’m gonna come,” he whimpered, wanting Bucky to tell him it was okay, which Bucky must have picked up on because he rasped, “Do it,” and just like that, Steve did. Bucky rolled his hips a few more times before stilling and Steve could feel both of their bodies shaking.

They were both breathing hard, covered in sweat, having just come in their underpants. Yet all Steve wanted to do was cling onto Bucky’s sweaty body, so they could feel like one again.

Bucky had other plans, going to get some washcloths and two clean pairs of underwear from Steve’s dresser. Steve was smiling at him all goofy, staring at his naked body as he walked around the room. It was like a dream.

They fell asleep after, still mostly undressed, Bucky spooning Steve, just skin on skin. Steve wasn’t used to having someone else near him while sleeping but he was so fucked out that slept like a baby.

In the morning, Bucky woke him up with a kiss on the forehead and a promise that he’d be back later. Steve squeezed his hand, let Bucky leave, and couldn’t fall back asleep, buzzing with the excitement of what had just happened with them.

It was perfect, for a while. They took turns staying over in each other’s beds, a sleeping bag on the floor to make it seem like they were sleeping separately. Steve felt like he was always beaming, like you could read all over his face how happy he was.

So Steve now, almost two and a half years later, knows how dangerous Bucky is for him. How easy it’ll be to fall back in.

He shifts over to his side and tries to fall asleep, tries not to think about how Bucky would feel pressed against his back.

* * *

The next morning, Steve rolls out of bed with ease. He had a good night’s sleep and was ready to hang out with Bucky without falling as hard as he had before.

And boy, did he fall hard. He had been shattered when Bucky left for college and told him they should probably just stay friends.

“I just think we’ll lose what we have if we try to do long-distance,” he had said, looking down at his hands instead of at Steve.

“Okay,” Steve replied quietly, because what else could he do? Of course he wanted to try, of course he wanted to fight to make it work, but what was the point if Bucky didn’t want it?

After all, it was just a couple of days of making out and handjobs. No promises, no saying what they were. They had years of friendship to prioritize. Starting a long-distance relationship while starting college wasn’t a good idea. Steve knew Bucky was right. But it didn’t stop him from feeling devastated, used, unwanted. It felt like a rejection, no matter what the intentions were.

Still, they parted ways saying that they’d still be friends, that they’d see each other during breaks and hang out when they could. Even at the time, Steve knew deep down that things could never be the same with them.

He’d started his freshman year being upset with Bucky but still missing him so, so much. Steve was too sad to really keep in touch with him at that point. Bucky tried, for his part, but no one wants to text their moping best friend all the time to only get unenthusiastic one-word answers back.

After a bit, Steve felt better and loved his life at college. He was studying what he loved and made some great friends early on. He even started dating one for a while, Peggy, before they decided they were better as friends. That time didn’t hurt Steve as much, because he knew he and Peggy really were meant to be friends, nothing more. There was a part of him that still ached for Bucky.

Then the years went by and Steve doesn’t know if he ever really fell out of love with Bucky. But their circumstances haven’t changed. They’re just home for the holidays, then they’re back to their separate lives.

If something were to happen with them, it would just have to be temporary, and that would have to be clear from the beginning. Steve isn’t gonna spend another few days in a sex-induced haze of confusion and adoration just to be woken up abruptly at the end. But damn, would he like to kiss Bucky again.

He texts Bucky like he said he would, and they make plans to go ice-skating in the afternoon. It was a longstanding tradition they had as teenagers, to go skating around the holidays and try not to look like complete idiots. Neither of them really have the grace or balance required for skating, so they like to go and laugh at themselves and attempt not to wipe out.

It isn’t long before Bucky’s knocking at Steve’s door, all bundled up in a matching red and white striped scarf and hat that Steve wants to make fun of him for but he looks too cute in it. Steve grabs his jacket and they head out, opting to walk because it’s just a few blocks.

“So how’ve you been?” Bucky asks as they face the cold wind outside.

Steve sticks his hands in his pockets. “Since yesterday? Good.”

Bucky snickers at that. “I mean in general, but good to know.”

“Well, good in general, too. Junior year’s kinda kicking my ass but…”

“Me, too.” Bucky lightly kicks a snowbank on the side of the street. “You seeing anyone?”

Steve’s not expecting that. But if memory serves, Bucky does like to shock him with personal questions from time to time. “No, I’m not.”

“Me, neither,” Bucky tells him.

“Have you at least dated some guys? They say college is a great place to be gay.”

Bucky smiles at that. “It is,” he agrees. “I dated this one guy awhile ago, then some casual stuff here and there.”

“No juicy details for me?” Steve asks, leaning over to nudge Bucky. He doesn’t know why he’s trying so hard to be ‘just a bro’ right now, but he can’t really ask about his sex life any other way.

“What exactly do you want me to say?” Bucky grins. “You’re not getting anything ‘til you tell me _your_ dirty little secrets.”

“Who, me?” Steve puts his hands up in surrender. “No secrets.”

“Right, just your innocent all-American loverboy,” Bucky teases. “Bet you’re a big heartbreaker on campus.”

“Nah,” Steve says. “It’s the same as you, one relationship and some other stuff.”

“Hmm,” Bucky notes. 

“What?”

“Nothing,” Bucky says before asking Steve about his friends at school.

They fall back into easy conversation like they hadn’t just realized that they’re both single and further, unattached. It would be so much easier if Bucky was taken, if Steve had a valid excuse not to hook up with him. But as the minutes go by, that list of reasons keeps shrinking.

The afternoon is great. They rent skates and already have difficulty walking in them before they even hit the ice. If everything else has changed, at least Steve and Bucky still are terrible at skating. Steve has to hold out his arms for the first five minutes so that he doesn’t fall. At one point, Bucky grips Steve’s arm to keep steady but Steve doesn’t make a thing of it. He lets Bucky lean on him, grab his hand when he’s slipping, and lets himself smile, and just enjoy their time together.

They decide to head back when they’re all tired out, cheeks rosy and hands cold.

“You still got the moves,” Steve observes as Bucky trips a little stepping into the elevator.

“Hey, how can I be expected to keep my balance around such a handsome fellow such as yourself?” Bucky laughs, pressing the button to go to his floor. “I’m usually more suave than this, I promise.”

“Sure you are, Buck,” Steve says, trying not to take the compliment to heart. “Trying to impress me?” Steve can’t help but flirt back a little. He’s never been good at not rising to meet a challenge.

“Maybe,” Bucky replies, shifting on his feet. “Is it working?”

“Maybe,” Steve echos with a smirk.

Bucky takes a step closer to Steve and looks him in the eye. He’s asking for permission, Steve can tell. _God, this is a bad idea_ , he thinks before nodding slowly.

They both lean in and their lips are inches apart when the elevator dings and opens. They both jump back a little.

“Uh, do you wanna come in?” Bucky asks.

“Yeah,” Steve says, and they walk rigidly to Bucky’s apartment.

When they step inside, Winnie calls out from the living, “James, you back?”

“Yeah, Mom!” he yells. “Steve and I are just gonna go play video games in my room for a bit!”

“Okay! I’m heading out for groceries, you boys want anything?”

“Nope!”

They scramble to take off their winter gear and then head into Bucky’s room silently. Steve’s breathing is already uneven, from the cold, and the anticipation. Bucky doesn’t turn on the lights, so the room is blue, just cloud-covered sun filtering in from the window. The room doesn’t look different. It almost looks like it’s out of a memory.

Bucky closes the door slowly, then turns around and Steve sees it in his eyes, how much he wants this. He hopes Bucky can see that he’s feeling the same.

“Buck-” Steve starts but Bucky’s already walking towards him, kissing him and pressing him into the wall.

The kiss is passionate, hard and fast, and Steve’s knees already going weak. He bites Bucky’s lip gently in retaliation for making him feel this way. Bucky just slips his hand up Steve’s shirt, pressing his torso back with his palm, cool to the touch. Then he works his way down his jaw, to his neck, where he bites and sucks, not enough to mark, but enough to make Steve melt.

“Bed,” Steve manages to say when Bucky starts nibbling at his collarbone.

Bucky steps off him then throws his shirt over his head. Steve follows suit and starts unbuckling his pants, too. Their clothes end up in a pile reminiscent of last time, and they tumble into the bed together, kissing each other like they’ll die if they don’t.

Bucky traces his hand around Steve’s crotch, his thighs, his stomach, pointedly not touching his dick.

“Please,” Steve begs. “Please, Buck, c’mon.”

Eyes not leaving Steve’s, Bucky grips Steve’s cock in his hand and starts to stroke slowly.

“Fuck,” Steve hisses. “Oh, my God.”

Steve rocks his hips, wanting to last but unable to stop from fucking Bucky’s hand.

“What do you want, Stevie?” Bucky asks sternly, tightening his grip.

“Fuck!” Steve leans his head back. “Fuck me, please, please fuck me.”

“Aye-aye, Captain,” Bucky says, and it’s probably meant to be funny, but he sounds just as wrecked as Steve. “Hands and knees.”

Steve gets up as quickly as he can and follows the order. Bucky reaches into his nightstand for lube and a condom. Steve can hear him opening the lube and coating his fingers with it. Then he puts his hand on the small of Steve’s back and asks, “Ready?”

“Yeah,” Steve chokes out, arching his back.

Bucky circles his finger around Steve’s hole, and that alone makes Steve shiver. He slides his pointer finger in, slow. They both moan at the feeling, giving into the tight pressure. Bucky pushes in further, and Steve’s arms are shaking.

“Good?” Bucky asks, pulling out.

“Plenty good,” Steve breathes, and Bucky chuckles.

Bucky works another one in after a while, and that only spurs Steve on further.

“Come on, Bucky, fuck me,” Steve whines.

“Want you to be ready, babe,” Bucky purrs into his ear, positioning himself above Steve.

Steve can’t argue there, but he pushes himself back on Bucky’s fingers and tries to make him give another. He does after a bit more opening up, and that’s when he finally touches Steve’s prostate, making him practically yelp.

“I’m ready, please, Buck.”

So Bucky pulls his fingers out and puts the tip of his dick there instead. After a few seconds, he plunges in slowly and they both get lost in the noises the other’s making at the contact.

“Shit, you feel so good,” Bucky pants when he’s fully seated.

Steve doesn’t say anything, just shifts his hips so Bucky will fucking _move_ already, because he can’t take this buildup anymore. Bucky seems to understand, and after pulling out slowly, he sinks right back in, faster this time. The feel of it is so perfect, and they both know it.

“Gonna go faster,” Bucky tells him, gripping Steve’s hips.

Steve just says, “Please,” which only serves to motivate Bucky more.

Bucky starts pounding in and out of Steve until the noise of their bodies slamming together overpowers Bucky’s consequential grunts and Steve’s low moans. Steve lets his elbows buckle and stuffs his face into the pillow. He wants to scream, in the best way. The pressure keeps building up with every thrust and his dick is leaking and flopping around because of the movement and he feels so fucking good.

Bucky’s apparently great at knowing what he needs, because he curls over Steve’s body, hitting a better angle and grabbing Steve’s cock. He strokes it in time with his thrusts so that bolts of pleasure are being sent through Steve’s whole body, jerking him between the states of too much and not enough.

“Can I come?” Steve cries. “Please, can I come?”

“Sure, babe, as long as you let me keep fucking you,” Bucky mewls, not surrendering his pace.

Nothing sounds better to Steve than that, so he chants, “Please, yes, yes, yes…” as Bucky jacks him off even faster and Steve comes with Bucky’s name on his lips.

Bucky doesn’t slow down, just keeps fucking into Steve at a relentless pace. Steve’s prostate is still being hit with every thrust, and his dick is wet and coming down from the orgasm, and he feels like heaven.

Bucky only lasts a minute more before he’s coming and has to slow down, gently rolling his hips as he fills up the condom.

“Fuck, Stevie,” he chokes out, finally stilling inside of Steve.

“Yeah,” Steve says, hazily, flopping forward completely.

Bucky pulls out and clumsily walks around the room, getting rid of the condom and grabbing some towels. He lays one down where Steve’s come spilled onto the sheets so that they can lay down and catch their breath.

“That was amazing,” Bucky says after a minute.

“It sure was,” Steve breathes, twisting onto his back.

“Wanna do it again sometime?” Bucky asks, turning to look at his best friend.

“Yeah, we should talk about that,” Steve says, sitting up. “I don’t want what happened last time to happen again.”

“Me, neither,” Bucky says, cuddling into Steve’s waist.

“So how about we stay friends, and we fuck while we’re here?” It hurts Steve to say it like that, so blunt and contractual, but it’s the truth. That’s what he needs. What would be best for both of them.

“If that’s what you want, yeah,” Bucky says, but it’s muffled because he’s talking into Steve’s hip.

“I just think it would be best.” He pauses. “I got hurt before.”

Bucky looks up at him with his big blue eyes but doesn’t say anything.

“So it’s probably best just to be clear about what we’re doing upfront.” Wow, he feels like a dick. Bucky’s looking at him all lovey-dovey but even though Steve knows it’s just post-coital bliss, he feels shitty for being so strict. But if they’re not gonna be in a relationship, Steve needs to lay out how they can still do this with the least amount of pain possible.

Bucky just nods and kisses Steve’s hipbone. “So ‘babe’ only in bed?”

Steve smiles. “Yeah. But I liked it,” he says, laying down and kissing the top of Bucky’s head.

“What about ‘mine’?” Bucky asks, pulling Steve in for cuddles. “Are you mine here, too?”

Steve captures Bucky’s words in a kiss, then replies, “I’m yours for the weekend.” _'Tis the damn season._

* * *

Their arrangement ends up working out pretty well. They don’t see each other for the next few days because of Christmas, but they’re back to texting like friends do. Bucky sends a photo of the Brooklyn Bridge Lego set Becca got him for Christmas because Bucky’s never outgrown his love for Legos, or building things.

They hook up a few more times before winter break ends. On New Year’s Eve, Steve’s sucking Bucky’s dick as the ball drops on the TV behind them. Steve spends the night at Bucky’s on his last night in town, trying to ride Bucky for as long as he can because it’s the last time he’s gonna be able to for a while.

Steve can’t deny that it hurts a little bit, being back at school, missing Bucky, but it’s better than last time because his expectations are reasonable and he knows what the rules are.

He and Bucky text all the time, even call occasionally, too, talking about school and sports and their families and anything that comes to mind. They deliberately avoid the subject of their hometown hookup agreement, but that’s fine. They’re better friends than they have been in years, and Steve tries so hard to make that feel like enough.

When he comes home for summer break, he’s buzzing with excitement over seeing Bucky again, to be his all summer. But on his second day home, he gets a text from Bucky saying that he’s actually doing an internship abroad the whole break, and won’t be home at all.

Steve tries not to let the disappointment crush him, but it sucks. Not just because he was looking forward to being in bed with Bucky again, but because he misses his best friend. He had forgotten, during their years of no contact, how big a role Bucky plays in his life.

Still, he makes it through the summer, working and getting ready for senior year. He and Bucky FaceTime a few times, Bucky telling him all about traveling, and Steve keeping him updated on home life. It's nice.

When Steve gets back to school, he even tries dating again. Bucky and last Christmas feel like a fantasy at this point, and Steve’s starting to romanticize everything, even the texts Bucky’s sending. He feels his long-buried feelings starting to rise to the surface, and he just can’t- can’t be in that place again, desperately in love with Bucky when all Bucky wants is friendship and a fuck here and there.

Nothing pans out with anyone but it’s a nice distraction. First semester flies by and before he knows it, Steve’s home for Christmas again. Within a day, Bucky’s knocking on his door.

Steve opens it and without a word, brings Bucky in for a kiss. It’s sweet and slow, and a little sad. Steve can feel that Bucky missed him, too.

“Hey,” he whispers, pulling away and cupping Steve’s cheek. “How are you?”

“Good,” Steve says quietly. “You?”

“Good.”

They look at each other and Steve knows they don’t need words. Bucky is giving him that look again, the kind Steve used to give him all those years ago.

He clears his throat. “When are you leaving?” Best to get this out of the way now. He knows their time is limited, knows he can’t get even more attached.

“I’m not,” Bucky says, tracing his fingers down Steve’s face. “Graduated early.”

“Wow, that’s great, Buck,” Steve says. “Come in, you have to tell me about it.”

Bucky nods and comes into Steve’s apartment. They sit down on opposite sides of the couch and Steve thinks of the last time they were here together. Two stupid teenagers, drunk on their love for each other on a hot summer day. Now, they’re adults, riddled with the cold of the winter, rigid from years of on and off.

“The internship from the summer gave me some credits, and I did a heavy load this semester, so I was able to graduate last week,” Bucky explains.

“What are you gonna do now?”

“Well, I’ve got a job lined up here,” he says, glancing down at his hands in his lap. “And I wanted to talk to you about that.”

“That’s great, Buck, but what’s there to talk about?”

“Us,” Bucky says, looking up at Steve. He shifts a little closer and exhales. “I want to be with you.”

Steve’s pretty sure his jaw drops a little because that’s the last thing he expected Bucky to say. He thought Bucky might be ending their little arrangement in order to move on with his life. Back to just friends.

“Long-distance didn’t make sense when it was Massachusetts to Illinois, but Massachusetts to here…” He bites his lip. “Please say something.”

“I- I didn’t think you liked me like that,” Steve admits.

Bucky reaches out and takes his hand in his. “What? Are you kidding?”

“When stuff first happened with us, I kinda thought it was just because I was gay and around,” Steve says, shrugging, slightly embarrassed.

“Is that how _you_ feel?”

“No!” Steve says quickly. “Not at all, I mean, Bucky, that day… I had been in love with you for so long already.”

Bucky’s eyes widen. “You had?”

“For years,” Steve tells him.

“Are you still?” Bucky asks tentatively.

“Never stopped,” Steve says, and damn, does it feel good to be honest with himself and with Bucky.

“Steve…” Bucky pulls Steve in and wraps him the tightest, warmest hug. “I love you so much. Have for years, too.”

Steve wants to cry hearing those words, but he just nuzzles his nose into Bucky’s neck. “Then yeah, I wanna be with you, too, jerk,” he says into the warmth of his skin. 

Bucky pulls back and kisses him, deep and sweet and familiar but also brand new. Because they’re in love, and they know it, and it’s not a problem. It’s a gift.

They kiss like that for a few minutes, talking to each other through the touches. _I love you, this is it, you are my everything_.

Steve breaks away from the kiss and smiles at Bucky. “So, do you want to go ice-skating?”

**Author's Note:**

> so this didn't even end up That christmas-y because i focused a lot on the summer and such, but i hope u liked it !! i'm on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sunstarsteve) if u want to talk about stevebucky with me !! and!! i made a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2wB64FC8ZGduFv1H3tRKjf?si=APLNs_IGTjSYedtwEhJqqQ) for this fic, just like the vibes/ what i listened to while writing it, so if u wanna check that out :) i also have stevebucky playlists on that account !!
> 
> if u enjoyed this fic (or even if u didn't) i would love if u could donate to [one of these black-led lgbtq+ organizations](https://www.marieclaire.com/politics/a32827051/black-lgbtq-organizations-groups/) for the holidays. u should always be donating if u have the means but the holidays are a good reminder to do so !! love yall, happy holidays and stay safe <3


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